January 1993:

I was pushing 26. I boldly walked in my OB’s office and announced I was ready for another baby. No more depo shots for me! By the time I got pregnant, it was January 1994, and my OB had left town. His partner was still here though, at the other hospital.
I took my time going to see the Dr. In March, I went to Cleveland with my mother and 2 year old daughter to visit my grandmother. My mother was pretty helpless and high maintenance. I lugged our bags through the train terminal, on and off the train, while she held the baby’s hand.

I started spotting while in Cleveland. When I got back home, I called my OB’s partner and got an appointment. I was bleeding by this point, but the Dept. of Health pregnancy test I took to show the OB still said I was pregnant. After a painful exam, I was given an ultrasound. There was no trace of a baby. At 8 weeks, I had miscarried. The OB was very kind. He said something about a blighted ovum, hugged me, gave me the phone number of a counselor, and told me to wait 6 months before trying again. I did, and I was holding my baby boy the following March.

June 2009:

After waiting all May for my period, I finally took a pregnancy test. Positive. I was excited and overwhelmed at the same time. All my intense working out had only yielded a 10 pound loss. I had so much more to lose; I didn’t want to be overweight and pregnant again. But, here it was a chance for another son, and babies are so wonderful, and this one would be born before I turned 43! I made an appointment to see my midwife on my anniversary in July. I would be almost 11 weeks pregnant, and we could hear the heartbeat.

July 6, 2009:

I went to the midwife for my first appointment. Excited to hear a heartbeat, I took my oldest and youngest daughters with me. They waited in the waiting room during my exam. The midwife pulled out the Doppler for a quick listen before we summoned the girls. She pushed it around my belly. She pressed. We didn’t hear anything. I know my babies tend to run from the ultrasound, so I didn’t think anything of it. After more poking and prodding produced nothing by my heartbeat, we went to the ultrasound room. I started wondering if you could have a false positive pregnancy test. The ultrasound tech. prodded me with her wand. I inhaled. After a while, we saw something. She enlarged it a few times and we looked. My midwife said, “I don’t see a heartbeat, Angie.” And, sure enough, there was nothing moving on the screen. Just the beginnings of a baby. I heard the ultrasound tech. say it was 6 weeks old. So my baby had stopped growing almost 5 weeks ago? My midwife said something about the chromosomes having some kind of problem, and the baby could develop for a while, but then just stopped.

Now I’m waiting for a miscarriage. It’s the eeriest feeling, like waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’ve been through this before. I remember lying around on the couch all day, crying, creating a song in my head that I sang to the baby that was rapidly departing my body. “Walk in the beautiful light. Walk in the beautiful light. Beautiful Spirit, the Beautiful Light. Walking with Jesus will make it alright.” Then I had my one child. I held onto her dearly, so sad I’d never have another. Now I have 6 children, including a sweet 15 month old. It’s not the same thing at all. Except for that wonder if she’s the last baby.