I noticed babies at church today. One was sitting in our row. She was so cute, I pulled out my cell phone to take her picture, but then thought better of it. That may or may not have had to do with Yanni and Xay strenuously begging me not to take her picture with my cell phone. In church.

Then, Pastor Brooks announced that his daughter, whose wedding the girls and I attended last fall, is expecting her first baby.

And Yanni pointed out another pregnant belly on another bride whose wedding we’d attended a few years ago.

And. . . I started to feel old. There’s nothing like a slow miscarriage to make you feel like maybe you should stop having babies.

My sister in law and my brother came over tonight with their 2 month old baby girl. She is such a sweet, yummy baby, with a soft spot, sleepy stretches, and impossibly tiny hands. Chanya kissed her baby cousin with the sweetest of toddler kisses.

Usually babies make me want another baby. And there is a pang about how my baby would have been born in January, making baby Avery the older cousin. But mostly I just feel old, like maybe I ought to leave the babymaking to younger women.

It’s an odd feeling for me. I’m even more grateful for Chanya. I still have a couple years more of baby ahead.